Footprints In The Custard - The Ballad Of Kelly

Holy shit you're fucking disgusting
Your one ring must be rusting
I'd never put my finger inside
The deep dark depths where the orcs all hide
I'm not touching your Mt. Doom
And neither would Orlando Bloom
Cast a spell to hide your face
You're Middle Earth's sickest disgrace

Have you ever seen someone so ugly you could die?
So hideous that you could skull-fuck Sauron's eye Or do it with a dwarf and get it in his beard
‘Cause a girl who looks like Smeagol is something to be feared

Hobbits live in hills for reasons
To side from you throughout the seasons
You're the reason the Ring-Wraiths screech
And fly so high out of reach
I'm not touching your giant eagle
Not with a face like fucking Smeagol
You should be locked up in a cage
So say the Elves, wise and aged